Tuesday, April 24, 2012

How to ward off disappointments and unhappiness



“Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it.”~ Don Herold

“Since the things we do determine the character of life, no blessed person can become unhappy. For he will never do those things which are hateful and petty.”~ Aristotle

“It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you 

are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.” ~ Dale Carnegie

“How many times have you felt disappointed, nervous or just unhappy? Just because someone has not done something

the way you want. Just because you were not able to deliver something to the other person who was in need. In both the situation it is the expectation that makes you disappointed/nervous/unhappy. It is because you never understood that each and every human on the earth are unique. They too, have their own feelings, capabilities and virtues. I am not telling you that expectations are bad. It is a motivating factor but it should not harm to your happiness. Always keep in mind Life never turns the way you want. If you have not experienced it before, you will surely experience it in your life. You have experienced with your friends, colleagues, classmate, cousins, neighbor and many more. There are situations when someone make you think, “How one can behave such way? That is not fair.” But my dear friend, you cannot expect everyone to be like yourself. Almighty GOD has made everyone unique. Everyone has their own belief, their own culture, their own value as well as their own thinking process. Probably what you feel for others is the same feeling someone had for you at different situations. 

So What Causes Unhappiness?
An unanswerable question: For it is good vs. bad and fair vs. unfair dualistic, subjective judgments a human invention just to know one from the other or do things actually have an innate positive vs. negative flavor to them in objective reality?
The real start of what causes unhappiness is not really understanding what “happiness” or “unhappiness” is, along with the limitation of only being able to know something by comparing it to its opposite. In this sense, we have to have experiences that make us either happy or unhappy, but the real question here is what causes things or even other people to make us happy or unhappy?
That leads to the second cause. We tend to want to look for a single cause of our happiness or unhappiness because that makes understanding and dealing with it easier, especially correcting the unhappiness. But, this just takes us back to the original cause—not being for certain what either happiness or unhappiness is, beyond looking for past experiences to remember what they look like. And, this single cause mentality actually leads us to a third cause—the highly debatable human judgmental invention of fairness vs. unfairness. Fundamental fairness seems to make us happy whereas basic unfairness leads to unhappiness. But how does that happen? What causes this type of reasoning and the ill feelings about “unfairness” that contaminate our clear thinking about all this? 

I think the key to unraveling this mystery is to openly admit to ourselves we really don’t have a clue as to how to define “unhappiness” clear enough to begin to understand even the most important “causes.” We can only define complex states, such as unhappiness, in terms of the real experiences which we “think” caused the sense of unhappiness, which is all at best unverifiable, subjective “non-facts.” By this time we get dizzy and either pass-out or give up. our experiences in life involve thinking, feeling and behaving going into these experiences and coming out of them too—affecting and being affected by the experiences. These things all have a way of interacting with each other to hide any “causes” from lucid awareness.

It is very easy to be unhappy when things do not go our way. We feel angry and irritable. However, we must not dwell too long on these feelings, for these can lead to problems that are more serious. Keep in mind the prerequisites of happiness as discussed earlier. If any of these prerequisites is missing, then it becomes a cause for unhappiness. For example, how can a sick person be happy when he is in pain? How can a mother and a father be happy when they do not have enough income to provide for their children’s needs? How can one be happy when we do not even have a shelter over our heads? There are many causes of unhappiness and each of them must be addressed.

Probably to start all over again by being open to the experience we are having in the present moment—thinking about the connection between your choices and how they seem to make you feel. What are our choices in reacting to whatever is happening to us now and what are our feelings about what is going on? Now let’s get practical here. There are some things we can do to get a better handle on an understanding of this,” happiness-unhappiness” thing to lessen the grip it has on us, robbing us of our intended well-being.

Here are a few insights to this process that are well worth remembering:
First, make a concrete list of real past life experiences we have had under each heading—happy vs. unhappy. Then list what you think caused you to remember some of these experiences as either happy or unhappy ones. I bet we all will have a difficult time doing this project. The important insight to have is… why? Keep asking the question until the answer doesn’t have anything to hide behind. We will probably begin to laugh doing this project.

Secondly, as the line between happy and unhappy becomes even more blurred, think about why we class some things as fair or unfair and what causes us to make that distinction with one or two real-live experiences. I bet we will have trouble doing this too? Why? That is the question of the day! Everything, either good or bad, happens for a reason. Therefore, we should be thankful for the good things. More importantly, we should learn to accept and cope with the bad things that happen in life.

Barriers to happiness are factors that cause unhappiness to most people. Among these barriers are the following:
Disappointment: At some point in life, we have felt discouraged. Everyday stresses and pressures can easily drain our strength and make us throw our hands up to surrender. Instead of giving in to discouragements, we can consider the following tips to overcome them:

1. Do not stop too soon. We get easily discouraged if something does not turn out the way we want it to be. We have to be patient. Without patience, life can be extremely frustrating. Likewise, we should be persistent. If at first, we do not succeed, let us try another approach until we reach our goal.

2. Turn failures into something positive. Failures are part of life. It may hurt at first, but we must keep in mind that there are lessons to be learned in all failures. We must never let failures bring us down. Instead, we must use these as opportunities to rise up and emerge as better persons.

3. Do not be frustrated by negative circumstances and people. If we know how to take praises and compliments, we must also learn to take criticisms, be it constructive or destructive. We must never let negative words spoken by other people discourage or defeat us. We know ourselves better than anyone else does. Focus on what we know is true, that is, we have the capacity to pursue happiness and fulfillment.

4. Never think or say, “we can’t.” If we keep on thinking that we cannot do a particular task, chances are, and we will never be able to do it. Many people never discover their true potential because they are too afraid to try. All we have to do is believe in ourselves.

5. Be determined and persevering. We have to be persistent and enduring to be able to reach our potential. Below I furnish the most important factors in overcoming disappointments that lead to us to a state of unhappiness. Avoid them to experience the real happiness.

Rage: Rage or anger is a strong feeling of displeasure. It is an uncontrolled emotion when we feel hurt or aggrieved. If not handled appropriately, it can cause unhappiness. We should deal with anger quickly before it turns into bitterness and hatred. First, we should determine the cause of our rage. After that, we may consider sharing our emotions with a friend or counselor. Do not keep anger bottled up within; we will feel better just by talking about it and having someone listen to what we have to say. Another way to deal with rage is by simply asking for help. We can ask for help from the people around us. Other people deal with anger by seeking help from the Universe/God. They seek assistance to be able to imbibe the virtue of humility to be able to forgive the people who have wronged them. We must realize that none of us is perfect. We are bound to commit mistakes at one point in our lives. Forgiveness is a virtue. It is a reward for an honest healing process. Letting go of any resentment and grudge pulls us away from loneliness. The act of forgiveness allows us to get rid of excess emotional baggage that may have been holding us back and weighing us down. Indeed, forgiveness is a priceless virtue that can only be realized through an honest reconciliation with one’s past and a genuine openness to welcome life anew.

Worry, Anxiety, And Stress: Worry is one component of anxiety, which is the broader term used to describe internal restlessness. Stress is a physical, mental, or emotional factor that causes tension. When left unchecked, these three may result in a more serious disorder.
To overcome these three barriers to happiness, we may consider the following:
1. Change our outlook in life. We should always have a positive attitude. Reading the scriptures and uplifting books may alter our perception in life since these materials are full of inspiring verses that will surely lift our spirits and encourage us to fight our way through life.
2. Initiate some changes in lifestyle. Start small. Small and meaningful changes can cure boredom and burnout that can cause stress and anxiety. Small changes provide a fresh perspective or outlook. We can change the route going to the office or start to eat at different dining places or meet new officemates from other departments. We can also go on vacation to give ourselves a break.
3. Get enough sleep. Adults are advised to get 6-8 hours of sleep. When we are sleeping, our mind and body get their much-needed rest. Worries, anxiety, and stress can keep us awake; and lack of sleep results in restlessness. If sleepless nights persist, consult a doctor right away. Since worry, anxiety, stress, and insomnia often co-exist, anti-anxiety drugs as prescribed by the doctor may help.
4. Have adequate exercise and relaxation. Like sleep, exercise and relaxation also release chemicals that help decrease anxiety. They free our minds from all worries and cares in life.
5. Live each day as it comes. We must leave the past behind, not worry too much about the future, and focus on the present. Yesterday is past and gone forever. Tomorrow is yet to come and no one knows what it holds for us. What matters is today because we can live only at the present time.
6. Listen to relaxing music. Some types of music have a calming and soothing effect on our minds and soul. Listening may help us take our minds off things. A variation of this is to surround ourselves with pleasant smells. This can be achieved by having fresh flowers, potpourri, or scented candles in most rooms of the house or office.
7. Consider medications and counseling. Seeking professional help can change our lives completely. As a physician can prescribe medications for relief, a counselor can offer encouragement and support. Go for it.

Envy And Jealousy: Envy stems from dissatisfaction. Envious people feel that they are getting a raw deal and that others are much better off than they are. Envy can make us go for unachievable goals for ourselves as we keep our focus on what others have instead of appreciating what we have.
Jealousy, on the other hand, is another source of dissatisfaction and one form of “self-torture.” Having low self-esteem causes envy and jealousy. These can only be resolved when we trust and believe in ourselves. Moreover, we should be appreciative of our blessings in life. Self-motivation guru Wayne Dyer said, “Simply put, you believe that things or people make you unhappy, but this is not accurate. You make yourself unhappy.”

Pessimism: Pessimism is synonymous with skepticism. Observe skeptics. They always anticipate negative events and often, this thought paralyzes them from taking action. Benjamin Disraeli once shared, “Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action.” Pessimistic persons are extremely cautious that they hold back from enjoying a normal life or achieving their objectives. Pessimism starts with negative thoughts. Counteract pessimism by being optimistic. As we become more optimistic, we become happier. The age-old question on whether our glasses are half full or half empty relates to optimism. Optimistic people always hope for the best and expect that things will turn out well. Overcome pessimism by having the discipline to look at the good side, the will to improve, and conviction that recovery is possible by following certain guidelines.
These guidelines are:
1. Have strong faith. Trusting a power greater than us may be helpful to see the brighter side of things. We must revitalize our spirituality and faith in Universal Power.
2. Surround ourselves with optimistic friends. Listening and opening ourselves to positive ideas about life may help jump-start a change in attitude and point of view.
3. Cultivate an open mind. Understanding that there is some value in criticism may help us open our eyes to the fact that happiness in life is worth pursuing.
4. Do a self-assessment of our behavior. We start by comparing our behavior with that of our family members, co-workers, and friends. Learn to objectively identify productive and healthy behaviors. Decide to have more of this type of behavior. We must realize that pessimism affects our capacity to feel happy emotionally to the fullest.
5. Seek empowerment. We should learn to focus on our goals and the things that we want in life. We must constantly tell ourselves that we can succeed. Never let other people drag us to negativity and pessimism.

How do we go about enhancing happiness and pursuing it whole year round? We know happiness is far more than just money, fame, or power. Many people have all three but are not completely happy. What are the secrets to long-lasting happiness? Try mastering these basic principles that I have tried with success to a greater degree; it will go a long way to secure your happiness:

Master the Boomerang Principle of Happiness: Just like the boomerang, throw a smile at others. There is wisdom in smiling. Smiling always stirs pleasant feelings. A simple smile effectively communicates our happiness to others. It also makes people to feel good about themselves and encourages them to spread a pleasant feeling. Rabbi Nachman puts it this way, “Always wear a smile. The gift of life will then be yours to give.”

Live A Life Full Of Love: Everybody wants to love and be loved by others. If we want to have a happy and harmonious home life, we have to get along well with the people around us and earn their trust and respect. Making a difference in the lives of people, who are virtual strangers, can give us a deep feeling of happiness. We can do this by volunteering our time, effort, and money in various causes. And that is having happy interactions with other people irrespective of the circumstances.

Engage In Enjoyable Work: Working, while having fun, is most rewarding. If we love what we do, it will not feel like we are working at all. If we are not satisfied with our job, we look for more interesting and challenging work. Of course, we all want to make a good living but more than that, we truly have to enjoy our occupation or profession to be able to do it on a sustained basis. Do the job for which you have a genuine passion.

Achieve Financial Independence: For many of us, the lack of money comes in the way happiness. Being financially independent means being free from money worries. Likewise, it means not having to depend on others for livelihood. It is having enough money in the bank that can support our lifestyle once we decide to retire. The act of saving and efficient management of our investments throughout our working lives will eventually bring us to happiness. For some, this is the point where they will never have to work again.

Go For Inner Peace: Peace of mind is essential for one to be happy. Inner peace is reflected in the face. We become more relaxed and stress-free. Having peace of mind also means better overall health. When we are healthy -- physically, mentally, and emotionally -- our relationships with the people around us tend to get better. The greater our over-all peace of mind, the more likely we will achieve happiness.

Focus On The Trio Of Happiness: GRATITUDE, FORGIVENESS, and ALTRUISM. Talking and writing about what we're grateful for amplifies adults' happiness. Writing down as many positive things as we can think of about ourselves and about circumstances surrounding us is one that we can surely do. Keeping a diary is a wonderful way to reminisce of good times. More importantly, it is a reminder that bad times don't last. Looking at happy times and old friends induces the feeling of joy. Another trait strongly associated with happiness is forgiveness. It is associated with feelings of inner peace. The good feeling is the queen of all virtues, and probably the hardest to come by. Do service to others. Altruistic acts boost happiness in the giver. This need not come in the form of donating money. It can be as simple as volunteering our time, service, and skills for notable causes. There is joy in giving.

Whatever barrier comes our way, always remember that for every problem, there is a solution and we keep forgetting that the solution is in our hands. It is all up to us to decide how to deal with it. Bear in mind that we have complete control of our lives - our feelings, thoughts, behaviors and attitude. We can overcome all barriers if we just trust and believe in ourselves. Do not allow anything or anyone to ruin our chance to be happy. Only we can determine the course of our life. Take responsibility for it. How do we accomplish this daily? There is a simple way that we can do at the start of our day. As we wake up each morning, we decide that our day will be as happy and stress-free as we hope it would be. The first thing to do is ask ourselves, “What do I wish for today?” 

Remember to feel the desire and then remember that whatever we wished for, we will surely get it as long as we try to make it happen. Ask from God, (and if an atheist) ask from the Divine Source or the Universe and we can never go wrong. Happiness is enhanced by feelings of love and appreciation! So respect each and every person you meet as you would respect and love yourself.

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