“We're born alone, we live alone, we
die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for
the moment that we're not alone.” ~ Orson Welles
“The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved.” ~
Mother Teresa
ALONE and LONELINESS:
“Have I ever felt lonely before? Have I ever been alone before? These are often the questions we ask ourselves or rather feel when faced with
grief and losses in life, of course, that includes me too! In fact, I have been
leading a solitary life for the past 23 years or so, after my relationship with
my wife turned sour and finally split when she left me with my daughter and
son. For the first few years, I did feel unhappy with the sudden turn of events
that changed the course of my life, from being a loving father and a loyal
husband to a nonentity to everyone in my family, except my parents. It was my
parents who stood stoically with me, consoling and encouraging me to live life
with a purpose. And I thank them for lifting me up from the depression I was sinking into when I was being torn with grief and emotional pain. I have lost
my father in 1995 and my mother passed away 5 years later. I miss them very
much but not their love for me. And thus I endeavored to walk the solitary
path alone in my life, which most of them would abhor naturally, they were
social in nature.
Somehow I fell in love with being alone, for I got more time
to indulge myself in my favourite past times, like day-dreaming, reading,
writing, cooking, gardening and now exploring life to the fullest. I loved
being alone and still, love it more than ever.
They say, sailing at night out on the ocean, following the full moon in the countryside is a spiritual experience. While for me biking through the hilly
terrain is magical, riding my motorcycle up and down the Brigade road is
exhilarating, sometimes even doing a cross country between two states in India
ups my adrenalin and reading books by my favourite authors or even listening to
Indian classical music or old English country songs till the wee hours of the
morning are some of the very things I love doing alone and none of that would
have been possible if someone else had been there with me. People create noise
in your head that we all need to escape from time to time. I know I do. And
that is what I love……..to be alone.
Unfortunately lately, I fell sick and many of my friends would have noticed the
recent absence of my ‘Sunday Soliloquy’s column. It is then; I realized that
with ‘Alone’ comes the dreaded ‘Loneliness’. Being sick with typhoid for a
longer duration than I expected, two months precisely and no one to tend to me,
I felt that no one cared for me or so. The whole world became dark for me as if I
have been cast to oblivion with a shroud upon me. Someone once said that
loneliness is not simply a matter of feeling alone, but rather the feeling that
no one cares what happens to you. We have all felt lonely sometime in our
lifetime. Feelings of rejection and abandonment are common to all of us
creating fear of unwanted in our minds.
Loneliness is caused by many things: the death of loved one, divorce or
separation, a broken engagement, a career loss or change or a move from one
city or country to another can all make us feel lonely. Leaving what is
comfortable and familiar and moving into the unknown can be lonely. Loneliness
is a tragedy; it is heartbreak and hardship and hurt. Loneliness is being covered
in open wounds and scars that never heal. Loneliness, after the loss of a loved
one, is a depressing, devastating emotional catastrophe. Some people will try
anything to break through the "wall of loneliness." Others just wait,
hoping the wall will collapse so they can escape. The waiting period becomes
an "isolation ward."
There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. I have always
rather enjoyed the former; the latter is miserable. Being alone is choosing to
stand a little apart, to enjoy one's own company and the company of things -
books, nature, thoughts, music, silence - rather than people. loneliness is not
a choice, it is rejection; it is what happens when you no longer want to be
alone, but no one will enter your little corner of the world to keep you
company - and the knowledge proceeds to poison the kind of aloneness you might
otherwise, enjoy, because you are no longer choosing it, it is being forced on you
by your own invisibility.
In today's society, there is a strong trend towards separation. Looking at
statistics I found that more and more relationships are crumbling at breakneck
speed. More and more people are becoming permanently alone. In surveys, about
10 percent of singles perceive themselves to be happy, 40 percent feel unhappy,
and 50 percent see themselves in the middle. For people who are in a
partnership, up to 40 percent feel happy, 10 percent unhappy and 50 percent
place themselves in between feeling happy and unhappy.
These results show that people respond differently to loneliness. Some people
feel happy as singles, some unfortunate; most live in the area between.
However, there are four times more unhappy single people than people in a
partnership. And most singles suffer from loneliness. So how do you cope in
this situation?
The following steps work for both singles and people in relationships. Also,
it's important to recognize that even people in relationships can feel lonely
sometimes. Working toward ‘Inner Happiness’, can benefit each of us, especially
singles who perceive being alone as a source of unhappiness.
So how can we go about and overcome these failings? Here they are broken down
into easy practices:
1. Process the loss of your partner. The first major step towards leading a
positive single life is to overcome the loss of a former partner. Most people
have had one or more relationships. The longer these relationships have lasted,
and the more intense they were, the longer is the time needed to process
through the sadness and negative emotions associated with the loss. Live your
grief completely. If you repress your grief, it will dig further into your
subconscious. Subconsciously, most of us long for a happy, enduring relationship.
It helps to look at the thoughts present inside. Cry over your loss and reflect
on the essence of life, so that you may come back to positive thoughts again.
And how you do that? Get over the situation by directly confronting it. Talk
with other trustworthy people about your suffering.
2. Think Positively. The way of positive thinking is to think about the meaning
of life, to focus on positive goals and to overcome grief with positive
thoughts and phrases.
3. Meditate. The way of meditation allows all of our thoughts and feelings to
come out. Let your thoughts and feelings come and go at will. Just observe.
Leave them be until they settle of their own accord.
4. Connect meditation and positive thinking. If we only meditate, we can easily
sink into sadness. Positive thinking can lead to the suppression of sorrowful
thoughts and inner tensions. If we make room to connect both meditation and
positive thinking at the same time, our tensions will resolve. Inner happiness
appears.
5. View single life as an opportunity rather than as a curse. Consider your
single life as an opportunity for intensive growth to inner happiness. Make the
path of inner happiness the center of your life while this chance exists. There
are many people among couples who would jump at such freedom! The person who
sees things clearly focuses things right in life. And then the single life
suddenly becomes a godsend. Being lonely gives you the freedom to take rests.
Allowing your rest periods to connect with regular spiritual practice lights up
your way to enlightenment. Remember that deep inner happiness (enlightenment)
is difficult to achieve when you live in a relationship.
6. Develop a spiritual plan for each day. A spiritual plan is the means for
being victorious over boredom and the loss of meaning of life. With a spiritual
plan in place, your days are now filled. Having such a schedule gives your
single life a positive structure. It gives you inner strength and positivity,
and you live based on positive goals. Thus, you will become internally
positive.
7. Spend a part of your day in various phases of spiritual practice. Feelings
such as loneliness, boredom, and meaninglessness are caused by internal
tensions. These tensions block the energy of your happiness (enlightenment energy).
Everyone has enlightenment energy within. Find spiritual exercises like
yoga, walking, meditation, reading, and positive thinking (cognitive work) that
can awaken your happiness every day. Go for it!
8. Distribute your spiritual exercises over the day. Doing so will ensure that
your tensions dissolve, you became care-free, hurt fades, past associations
become painless giving you multiple opportunities to awaken your happiness
energy, and bringing you into the light.
9. Practice Karma yoga. The main practice of Karma Yoga is to send light to all
beings every day through your words and deeds. Connect yourself with your
friends every day. Connect yourself with all beings who touch you emotionally.
Think their names. Move a hand and send them love and light. Send light all
over the globe. Wish for all people in the word to be happy. It allows you to
overcome your loneliness and go on to a deeper level to get into the energy of
the all-comprehensive love. Wish happiness to all beings. In your mind, you are
already seeing the goal of a happy world realized. Live with a positive vision;
this gives you the power for a positive life. Your positive vision opens the
gates of happiness within you. Wish for a happy world. Wish a happy cosmos.
Breakthrough your isolation as a single. Live in constant emotional contact
with all other beings in the world. At some point, you’re feeling of loneliness
will disappear and YOU will become the embodiment of SELFLESS – LOVE itself. An
entity is full of love, which will not only give but also receive love, like the
mirror that receives and reflects light. Yes, a miracle of love itself will
manifest in you, always capable of propagating compassion and kindness to
others in the world you are living in.
Living alone is the hardest way of life. It is difficult for most of us to
live alone. But life as a single person gives us a big chance to attain
enlightenment. Use this chance; realize yourself and become an enlightened
single. Enlightenment is a great grace for all singles. You are not lost. You
can also get enlightenment in a relationship. Be satisfied that living alone
usually offers significantly a greater chance of reaching the goal. You can
live permanently as a single person in a happiness that is unimaginable for ordinary
people. Let me tell you this……the main happiness of a human being is his or her
inner happiness, and 90 percent of all happiness is derived from inner
happiness, and this determines how happy a person is in life. Loneliness if
accepted becomes a gift leading one from a life dominated by tears to the
discovery of one's true self and finally to the heart of longing and the love
of God. Can you override your grief and pain to happiness for the sheer love
of God and your well being? I promise you can.
While wishing all the best, I send warm hugs with divine love spiritual lights,
joy and peace all the way from me!
Anthony Sunny Kunneth.
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