When someone you loved is no more shed tears of joy, not of grief

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.“– Kahlil Gibran

“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” – Kenji Miyazawa

"It is important for us to know that we and those around us are not going to be here forever.

This may sound brutal, but that is not the intention. It is very important to come to terms with these things. Otherwise, we will tell ourselves pretty things that will solace us for today, and tomorrow morning, reality will torment us again. We will do the same things again and again.

When we are here, we must show everyone our best face. The problem is only that, if a doctor tells you that you are going to die tomorrow, then everyone comes and shows you their best face. If you say, “I’m going to die after fifty years,” most people will not care. But we do not know whether it will be in fifty years or tomorrow. You know you will die and they will die. You just do not know when, so shouldn’t you show your best face to those who surround you?

I am showing my best face to you because I know you will die and so would I. Sometimes later, I know when you will die. Many times, I do not know when you will die. I am just making sure I show my best face to you because you are a dying person whose emotion quotient is on the lower side.

This is true for every human being. This is also true of every life. Who knows when the tree outside your house will die, or when you will die? You do not know.

Tears of Joy, Not of Grief

So, when people dear to us pass away, one thing is, they are dear to us because they have enhanced our lives in some way, maybe in many ways. If people around us have enhanced our lives and we cherish them, we must cherish them joyfully – we should not rue their exit. We should value them for the enhancement they have brought to our lives; for the sweetness and tenderness, they may have shared with us. In some way, at least sometimes, they made you feel complete; they made your life feel complete. Let their memory always bring tears of joy and love to you, not of grief.

If they have meant many wonderful things to you, please express that to those who are still living around you.

They mattered to you because, in some way, they were wonderful to you. Let the memory of them bring back those wonderful aspects to you, rather than drive you into grief and depression. Driving yourself into grief and depression means you have not come to terms with the most fundamental aspect of life – mortality. Whether they are good or bad, they all will die.

This is not to ridicule your loss. I understand what your deceased loved ones mean to you. But I want you to remember them for all the wonderful things that they were. Not for making yourself feel terrible about their exit. If you had died before them, you would have left them in a bad place – so, please stand up as human beings.

Whatever wonderful things that happened to you, in some way have to find expression. If they have meant many wonderful things to you, please express that to those who are still living around you. This is how life goes on.

When I say “life”, I am talking about life per se, not what you do. You generally think life is your family, your work, your business, your wealth, whatever else you possess. But these are all accessories of life. You brought in money, wealth, relationships, children, thinking it will enhance your lives in some way. You gathered so many accessories, and you got so involved, attached, and identified with these accessories that you never experienced this life that you are.

The reality is the piece of life that you are is still there – the accessories are falling off over time.

Most people believe life is the collage of things that they have gathered. When a piece of the collage falls off, you suddenly feel as if life is gone, this is not true. Even before certain people came into your life, you were alive, you laughed, and you knew joy. You added people believing it would enhance your life, or maybe there was some need to fulfill. All that is okay, but now, because of your identifications, you think a piece of life is gone when a certain person is gone.

The reality is the piece of life that you are is still there – the accessories are falling off over time. As you age, your grandfather will die, your father will die; sometimes, your spouse will die. Some people will lose their hair. Some people will even lose their heads – this is not a joke. Some people will lose parts of their bodies. Some people will lose relationships. Some people will lose things, power, position, or money.

This is all in preparation for your exit. Your load gets reduced a bit so that when you go, you will go more easily. This is not some philosophy – this is the way life is happening. Because you refuse to look life in the face, you make up your own images in your mind. And you want to make these psychological pictures into a reality. The psychological drama you create will never become a reality. You have to draw the curtain someday. The sooner you are disillusioned, the better. You may come to your senses, or you may become depressed. That is your choice.

When life disillusions you, you may sit up and become enlightened, or you may become depressed. If all the illusions go away, that is called self-realization. Right now, you are hanging on to illusions, valuing them and being identified with them so much that you are fighting to keep them. This is MAYA – it goes on as if it is real until suddenly, it is gone.

If you do not put down your illusions, the most profound dimensions of life will never touch you.

In a way, you always knew it. From the moment you were born, your clock has been ticking, and one day, it will stop and with that your heart too. Well, we try to stretch it. We try to slow it down. We try to make the best use of the time we have. We try to make it as profound as possible. It is very important that life touches you. If life should touch you on a deeper level, you have to put down the world that you have made up in your mind.

If you do not put down your illusions, the most profound dimensions of life will never touch you. Only the drama will go on. This is not only a question about someone’s death – this is about your fundamental ignorance about life. It is time you come to your senses. If all your illusions break right now, if you are absolutely disillusioned, you are also enlightened. But you do not allow yourself to be disillusioned. If one illusion breaks, you make up the next one.

Losing a loved one can be a highly charged and very traumatic time. Though coping with loss can be a deeply personal experience, there are a few basic and universal steps to the bereavement and grief process. Knowing these steps can help you to work through your grief over the loss of a loved one.

STEP 1: ALLOW THE FEELINGS

Coping with the loss of a loved one brings up almost every emotion imaginable. There are times when more than one emotion seems to take hold at once, and you may feel as if you're “going crazy.” It's natural to feel this way, as it's normal to experience several different feelings.

Gently remind yourself in your time of bereavement and grief that your feelings are yours, and they are well within the norm. It's important to your process to understand that there is no "right" or "wrong" when it comes to your feelings about losing a loved one.

STEP 2: GATHER SUPPORT

While there may be times as you are coping with loss when you'll wish to be alone, it's important to gather a support group around you for those times when you might need them. Friends, family, a minister or rabbi, and perhaps a therapist are all people who can and should be accessed during your grief process. These individuals can be a source of emotional support as well as physical needs if required. The death of a loved one often leaves a large hole in the life of the survivor that can be, at least temporarily, occupied by a support team.

STEP 3: ALLOW THE GRIEVING PROCESS

Bereavement and grief is a process. It's important to know that every person has their own way of coping with loss. You cannot put a time limit on your grief. You must allow yourself to experience the stages of grief as they come up.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, in her book, On Death and Dying, outlined five stages of grief. Each stage is unique and is not necessarily experienced in order. Stages may also be revisited. These stages are:

Denial: Your experience is incomprehensible, initially. You find it impossible to believe the loss of your loved one is real, and you may be numb from the experience.
Anger: As the truth of the situation begins to take hold, it's normal to feel anger and rage. This anger may be directed at yourself, the loved one for leaving you, doctors for not healing your loved one or even at God.
Bargaining: It's not unusual for survivors to cope with loss by trying to negotiate, usually with their higher power. Don't be surprised if you find yourself trying to make an “if only” deal with God.
Depression: The overwhelming sadness you feel is normal, and in most cases will not last forever. It's common to feel as if life will never be the same.
Acceptance: While this final stage of bereavement and grief is called “acceptance,” this refers to coming to terms with the finality of the loss and moving forward with your life. It does not mean that, from time to time, you may not revisit some of the stages listed above, but rather that the pain of your loss will become more manageable.

STEP 4: EMBRACE LIFE

Author David K. Switzer talks about the need to rediscover one’s own life in his book Dynamics of Grief: Its Source, Pain, and Healing. While the pain of your loss is real and must be felt, there will come a time when you must begin to live your own life again. By working through overcoming the death of a loved one, you will come to a place of accepting death as a reality. You will find yourself able to move forward and embrace your life without your loved one by your side.

Your process through bereavement and grief is your own. Everyone responds differently to coping with loss. Above all, be kind to yourself and know that you will wake one day and find the pain is less, and life can go on.

When you lose someone or something very precious to you, the grief can be intense. Pain, sad memories, and unanswered questions can haunt you. You may even feel that you'll never be the same - that you'll never laugh or be whole again. Take heart - though there is no way to grieve without pain, there are healthy ways to grieve which allow you to constructively move forward. Don't settle for a life drained of joy - work through your loss and, slowly but surely, you will get better. And how can you overcome it?

Here it is: -

Face the loss: After a serious loss, we sometimes want to do something - anything - to dull the pain. Submitting to a harmful habit like drug use, alcohol abuse, oversleeping, Internet overuse, or wanton promiscuity threatens your well-being and leaves you vulnerable to addiction and further pain. You'll never truly heal until you confront the loss. Ignoring the pain caused by the loss or sedating yourself with distractions will only work for so long - no matter how fast you run from it, eventually, your grief will overtake you. Confront your loss. Allow yourself to cry or grieve in another way that feels natural. Only by first acknowledging your grief can you begin to defeat your loss and pain.

When a loss is fresh in your memory, your grief deserves your full attention. However, you should draw a line on prolonged grieving. Give yourself a period - perhaps a few days to a week - to be profoundly sad. Protracted wallowing ultimately keeps you stuck in your sense of loss, paralyzed by self-pity and unable to move forward.

Let your pain out. Let the tears flow. Never be afraid to cry, even if it's not something you usually do. Realize that there is no right or wrong way to feel pain or to express it. What is important is that you recognize the pain and try to work through it. How you do so is entirely up to you and will vary from person to person.

Find an outlet for your pain: If you're compelled to do a certain activity as you grieve, do it (provided it doesn't involve hurting yourself or others.) Crying, pummeling the pillow, going for a long run, throwing things out, screaming at the top of your lungs in a forest or other solitary place, and sketching your memories are just some of the ways that different people find outlets for their pain. All are equally valid.

Avoid doing anything that might result in harm to yourself or to others. Loss isn't about inflicting harm or making things worse. Loss is a time for learning how to draw on your inner emotional reserves and learning how to cope with pain.

Share your feelings with others: It's healthy to seek out people who will take care of you when you're suffering. If you can't find a friend, lean on a compassionate stranger or a priest, counselor, or therapist. Even if you feel that you're rambling, confused and uncertain, talking to someone you trust is one form of allowing yourself to start dumping out some of the pain you're experiencing. See talk as a form of "sorting" your emotions - your thoughts don't need to be coherent or reasoned. They just need to be expressive.

If you're worried others listening to you might be confused or upset by what you're saying, a simple warning upfront can alleviate this concern. Just let them know you're feeling sad, upset, confused, etc., and that, although some of the words you say aren't going to make sense, you appreciate having someone listen. A caring friend or supporter won't mind.

Distance yourself from people who aren't compassionate:

Unfortunately, not everyone you talk to while you're grieving will be helpful to you. Ignore people who say things like "get over it", "stop being so sensitive", "I got over it quickly when it happened to me", etc. They don't know how you feel, so don't give their dismissive comments any attention. Tell them "You don't have to be around me while I'm going through this if it's too much for you to bear. But I need to go through it, regardless of how you're feeling, so please give me some space."

Some of the people who are dismissive of your grief may even be friends with good (but misguided) intentions. Reconnect with these people when you're feeling stronger. Until then, distance yourself from their impatience - you can't rush an emotional recovery.

Harbor no regrets:

After you've lost someone, you may feel guilty. You may be preoccupied with thoughts like, "I wish I'd said goodbye one last time," or "I wish I'd treated this person better." Don't allow yourself to be consumed by your sense of guilt. You cannot change the past by mulling over it again and again. It's not your fault that you lost someone you loved. Rather than dwelling on what you could have done or should have done, focus on what you can do - process your emotions and move forward. If you feel guilty following a loss, talk to other people who knew the person or pet. They will almost always be able to help you convince yourself that the loss isn't your fault.

Save things that remind you of your loved one:

Just because a person or a pet is gone doesn't mean you shouldn't always remember them. It may be comforting to know that even if the person or pet is no longer here, the friendship, love and personal ties you have with them still exist. No one will ever be able to take that away from you, and the relationship you have with them will always be a part of you. Some mementos will always be worth keeping reminding you of your own courage, tenacity, and ability to envision a better future.

Keep the mementos that remind you of the person or pet in a box somewhere out of the way. Bring them out when you need a tangible reminder of your memories. It's not usually a good idea to leave the mementos lying around in the open. A constant reminder that someone is gone can make it hard to move on.

Get help:

In our society, we have a tremendously harmful stigma against people who seek help with emotional problems. Seeing a therapist or counselor does not make you weak or pathetic. Rather, it's a sign of strength. By seeking out the help you need, you show an admirable desire to move forward and overcome your grief. Don't hesitate to schedule an appointment with a professional.

Shift the focus away from sadness:

Try to remember the good times and the best memories you shared with the person or pet you've lost. Focusing on negative thoughts or regrets won't change what has happened. It will just make you feel worse. Be assured that no one who has brought you happiness would ever want you to wallow in sadness. Try to remember things like the way this person talked, the small quirky mannerisms, the times that you spent laughing together and the things this person has taught you about life and yourself. If you've lost a loved one, remember the beautiful times you spent together, the happy life you gave him or her, and the special traits he or she had.

Every time you feel tempted to become even more sad, angry, or self-pitying, grab a diary and write down the good things you can remember about the person or pet that has been lost. In moments of sadness, you can consult this journal for a reminder of the happiness you had.

Distract yourself:

By keeping busy and occupying yourself in tasks that require a dedicated focus, you give yourself a break from constantly ruminating over the loss. This also gives you the space to realize that there are still good things about your world.

While work or studies can provide some relief from the constant thoughts about loss, don't simply rely on your routine to distract yourself or you risk feeling that there is only work and sorrow and nothing in between. Reacquaint yourself with happier pursuits by doing something that gives you peace. There are all sorts of possibilities, such as gardening, cooking, fishing, listening to your favorite music, walking, drawing, painting, writing, etc. Choose whatever calms you and gives you a sense of joyful achievement (not something everyday work or studies can always promise).

Consider getting involved in social work. Shift your focus from your own problems to those of others. Consider volunteering as one possibility. If you like children, helping young children who display lots of spontaneity and laughter may ease your mind.

Find delight in beautiful days:

A common symptom of grief is to stay at home, neglecting your external life. When you've moved past your initial sadness, take the opportunity to embrace sunny days. Spend some time walking, contemplating and simply noticing the natural beauty around you. Don't try to chase specific feelings – merely let the warmth of the sun wash over you and the sounds of the world flow through you. Marvel at the beauty of the trees and architecture you see. Let the hustle and bustle of life remind you that the world is beautiful. Life does go on - you deserve to be a part of it and to eventually rejoin the daily routine. There is some scientific evidence that suggests that sunlight has natural antidepressant properties. Getting out of the house may help you out of an emotional funk.

Reclaim the idea of what you've lost:

When you lose someone, it's an unfortunate fact that you'll never enjoy his or her physical presence again. However, this doesn't mean that the person or pet you lost doesn't still exist in the world as an idea or a symbol. Know that the person or pet you've lost lives on in your thoughts, words, and actions. When we say, do, or think something that's influenced by the memory of someone who's gone, he or she lives on.

Many religions teach that the soul or essence of a person remains after his or her physical body dies. Other religions teach that a person's essence is transformed into another form or redistributed into the earth. If you're religious, take solace in the fact that the person you have lost still exists in a spiritual sense.

Spend time with good people:

It can be difficult to motivate yourself to get out and spend time with your friends after a loss. However, doing so can cause a noted improvement in your mood. It's good to seek the company of friends who will be understanding of your emotional state even if you haven't recovered 100%. Find friends or acquaintances who are fun, yet kind and sensitive. They will help you ease back into your normal social role, which in turn will help you stay occupied as you move on from your grief.

The first hangout session after a major loss can be a little subdued or awkward simply because your friends are worried about how to approach the subject. Don't let this get you down - you had to make your re-entrance to your normal social life at some point. Be persistent - though it may take weeks or months for things to seem completely "normal," spending time with kind friends is almost always a good idea.

Don't fake happiness:

As you re-enter your normal routine, you may feel that certain career and social situations require you to be happier than you actually are. While you should try to avoid wallowing in grief, you should also try to avoid "forcing" your own happiness. "Forced" happiness feels awful - it's an absolute burden to wear a smile when you don't want to. Don't make happiness a chore! It's alright to appear and act seriously in your social life and in your work, provided you do nothing to hinder the happiness of others. Save your smile for when your happiness is genuine - it will be so much sweeter.

Allow time to heal:

Time heals all wounds. Your emotional recovery may take months or years - this is OK. In due time, you can eventually start honoring the person you lost through a renewed determination to enjoy your life to the fullest.

Don't worry - you won't ever forget those you've loved. Nor will you misplace the internal strength that drove you to seek lost goals or achievements. What may change is how you approach your life from this point – there may be a sharpened focus, a new sense of value or a totally changed perspective about certain aspects of your life. This progress won't be possible, however, if you don't give yourself time to heal.

While you should give yourself adequate time to heal, at the same time, it's important to remember that your life is precious and that you're responsible for making the most of your time here. The purpose of your life is to be happy, not sad. Don't rush away from grief, but don't be content with partial recovery. Make your journey to recovery one of gradual improvement. You owe it to yourself - keep moving forward, no matter how long it takes.

Don't second-guess your happiness: Don't feel bad for feeling good! There's no set length of time for recovering from a loss. If you regain your happiness sooner than later, don't feel guilty for "not grieving enough." If you feel like you've recovered from a loss, you probably have. Don't set deadlines on grieving, but don't postpone your happiness either. Never force yourself to be sadder than you need to be.

I can go to the extent of saying that love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can’t separate people from love. It can’t take away our memories either. In the end, life is always stronger than death. Positivity and optimism are the two principle requirements for cherishing the memories. Therefore live a happy life that you deserve most to cherish those past memories well spent rather than grieving upon it." ~ Anthony Sunny Kunneth

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